Some days are harder than others. Some weeks are harder. Sometimes I question whether my feeling of defeat is coming from my lack of sleep or my constant worrying. The daily struggle just feels like more than it should.
Yesterday was one of those days. After a night of fighting to bring down a stubborn high blood sugar, I had to hurry to get the kids ready and head out the door for THREE doctors appointments. Yes, Each kid had one. What was I thinking?!?
Needless to say, going into a busy day exhausted does not set the pattern for success.
I. WAS. CRANKY.
Regardless, I put on my big girl panties and struggled to be nice to everyone (don't ask my husbands opinion though, he gets the unedited version of me, which is pretty darn raw)
Our appointments went half as expected and half unexpected. Our 8 weeks old is a big girl and already weighs in at 12 and a half pounds!! We also learned our two year old needs speech therapy. Oh, how I was trying to avoid this! I've been working and working with her, but it just isn't working. She will NOT talk. This was a failure moment for me. My admission of defeat, my little white flag was flying and I was asking for help. Those who know me personally will attest that I don't ask for help... I am stubborn; and yes I also had to have speech therapy as a child. My daughter is becoming me!
Our last appointment was the one I was the most anxious about. THE ENDOCRINOLOGIST. Yes, that absolutely needed to be capitalized. Every three months we see Lily's Endo, who is a wonderful woman that we love. She never judges and is always very kind. She is quite frankly THE Best! So. Why do I feel like I'm walking into an execution every three months? Let me give you an idea of what it's like. Imagine that you are getting called to the principals office to get a report card, which basically tells you if you're taking good care of your child. This is stressful people! Somebody is going to know every mistake I've made in her care. It is all out there. There is a graph chart right there showing it. It's printed out on paper and logged in her file. There is no HIDING.
We go in knowing we have done our best , but somehow seeing that chart and talking about your problems is both cathartic and painful.
We knew our numbers were crap this quarter because of our celiac diagnosis. Our little lady is having major absorption issues that are resulting in high blood sugars and vitamin deficiencies. Our A1c did go up, but thankfully it didn't go up as far as we were thinking it would. This quarter it was 6.9 which is right in target for Lily's age group and as far as report cards go, is pretty great. Major Relief! The mister and I literally breathed a heaving sigh of relief in the middle of the doctors office.
Finally. Our doctors appointments were over and we could go home. Cue low blood sugars. It always happens when you're driving on the freeway. I suddenly become this crazy contortionist trying to reach the insulin pump from the front passenger seat, checking blood sugars and administering sugary treats while the hubby tries to drive. We've learned to laugh about it, and always give ourselves an extra 15 to 20 minutes to go anywhere!
All in all we were feeling like the day was mostly a success. We were home, enjoying lunch when the babies doctor called. We learned that her head is growing abnormally fast. Our doctor was concerned, so we'll be doing some follow-ups to determine why. Of course this was not something this mama wanted to hear. The raw part of my heart broke a little. I cried, knowing the possibilities, then called my mama, who prayed with me. Sometimes you just need your mom and God to feel better.
Today is a new day. The struggles are the same. Find time for everyone and everything. Live successfully with Diabetes and Celiac and make life as normal as possible.
The reality is, I may never be successful in figuring out how to integrate everything I want to. But I'm not going to stop trying! A good sense of humor and a huge dose of humility help. some days I will feel like supermom, other days I will feel like a failure. My goal? Accept those days I feel like a failure and have more supermom days! More laughs, more giggles, more forts in the livingroom, more dessert and less guilt. Here's to goals and a whole lot of faith!
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